I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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