I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I can text with my tongue
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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