peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
