just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
