I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
