dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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