My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
