you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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