i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
