Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
