this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
