Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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