This is not my ceiling
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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