I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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