I'm jealous of your bromance
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
