Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize