I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He passed out mid-signature
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
