Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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