definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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