My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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