my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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