sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
