Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We left the knife in your bed.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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