Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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