I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
