When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
