i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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