My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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