i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She's the barista slut.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
