u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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