I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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