Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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