Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
