I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
