The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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