I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize