When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
