If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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