you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
