I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
