I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
