About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
