Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
