I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
