I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
