So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
