Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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