i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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