then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
