So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
