I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
