my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
