Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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