Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
