i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
