they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
