babies were throwing up all over the place
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
