Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
