why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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