booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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