Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i think im in europe. pls send help
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
