mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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