So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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