turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
